TRUE Stories from the DTE Energy Guy

As I walked across my kitchen floor this morning, fresh cup of coffee in hand, and was gazing at the trailer across the way, I noticed a small asian man, wearing the dark pants of a service worker, navy jacket and a black stocking cap. He was sneaking around the side of the trailer, and moving at the pace of a person who was not on the level.

It dawned on me who this man was as I recalled minutes earlier when my dog was barking. I thought he just wanted inside. I let the dog in, and nope, he didn't make another noise.
The man quickly zips around the back of the next trailer then re-emerges a few moments later, some wrench like tool in hand. He carried nothing except the tool, quickly hopped into a dark unmarked Ford Focus that was parked right on the street, between the three trailers, the two across the steet and mine. He pulled up the road a few feet and started his process again. It appears we weren't the only ones in the trailer park who are having trouble paying the bills.

I went to the stove to check my suspicion, yep no gas. "Did he knock on the door?" I asked my spouse, "nope"

"Check for a paper" I said. Sure enough on the porch he left a folded up sheet of paper. Shut-off notice for non-payment. We owed $479.15, it would take only a mere $262.37 to have it turned on. Our bank balance is $1.11 and my paypal account has $0.23 in it. Now I had thought for sure that it would be Consumers Energy that would shut us off first, imagine my surprise that after only the first notice DTE was shutting me off, and I am SUPPOSED to be on the shut off protection plan.

I called my caseworker at DHS, luckily it was not a Monday he doesn't work Mondays, who informed me that I had to come directly down to the Department of Human Services, if DTE wasn't paid by 11:30 they would not get us turned back on today.

Long story short, 2 gruelling hours later, most of which was spent on hold with DTE, DHS (i.e. ichigan tax payers, thanks so much!:)) paid the full $479.15, but here is where the story really gets interesting.

DTE scheduled my gas to be turned back on at exactly "any time between now and 4:30, you must be home to relight any pilots"
We drove straight home and knew it would not be long, the DTE guy was knocking on the neighbor's door. It was a different man this time, same dark colored Dickies, navy jacket, black stocking cap. This man was white, average build, he had a round face that was not unattractive, aesthetically pleasing, but not the mainstream definition of "good looking". He drove a large white clearly marked van, and carried a small tool box.

Soon he was at our door and had the gas back on. He came inside to light the pilot on the furnace, and accomplished that in record time might I add. He was chatty, totally unprovoked he offered, "I got a call for a gas leak right after I got your call, but I was already across the street so I figured I'd come here first, the other call is clear up to Main street."

Now I'm thinking there must be some sort of priority when it comes to these service calls, and I'm guessing that a gas leak ranks above turning on someone who has been shut off, even if there is a baby in the house, as there is here.

He went on, "I read the comments on that call and I know what her problem is."

I offered him a mountain dew, which he accepted but did not open, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't drink it at all. "Shouldn't you go take care of that?" I asked, it seemed obvious but it was like he was begging me to ask by the way he went on.

"Oh," he said, "She just wants to get on me. The pilot light is out on her stove."

Now I couldn't help laugh at that.

"Yeah," he went on, "She has called me more than once for this same problem. Last time I showed up and she was wearing nothing but a robe, as I bent down to light the pilot on her stove she walked right up to me and let it fall open. Then she just left it like that! She was like 'Oh this ain't nothin' you haven't seen before'"

At this point I'm rolling, I don't know if I believe him, but I would like to hope that these things happen in real life. It gives nerds hope that pornography is loosely based on real life, and all they need to do is get jobs where they make service calls. Slutty women are bound to call sooner or later right?

Anyway, the guy goes on, he's like, "Yeah, she's a cougar. She told me she's like 56"

Now I don't know anyone who makes up stories like this and then say it's a 56 year old woman.

He went on, "Yeah but my friend was with me, we was goin' to lunch, and he came in and was like 'hey, you good looking, you could get a date, you should go to the club, somebody would want you'" it was at that point he claimed to have left.

So I asked him, "Did you get the call about that other one" I pointed to the trailer that he had not been to yet across the street, then went on to describe the man who came around in the morning.

"No, they are gonna have to wait, but I'll be back for them. That little mother-fucker came over to my house, I was just getting home and I saw him parked outside my house, I asked him 'did you just shut off my gas?' and I told him not to fuck with me because I would go to his house and take his meter." He also said that they were going around shutting people off too early!

He then proceeded to tell me all about how they go to the strip club when they are supposed to be on service calls and how one guy is so dumb that he parks his huge DTE energy van right outside the strip club, during work hours!

A third DTE energy serviceman showed up at my house about an hour after he left to turn on the gas. I informed him it was taken care of and he insisted on checking himself. So if you're wondering why your gas bill is so high, it is because they have to pay 3 people to visit my house in 1 day, at least 1 of whom visits strip clubs and has pornographic experiences during work hours.